What A Man Wants...

Feet - A woman’s feet should always be elegant, nails trimmed and polished to perfection. No rough skin to speak of, smooth and always beautifully attired in stilettos. Legs- Long, long and long again. Smooth, tanned to a soft gold, and hair free. Calf muscles delicately shaped to draw the eye upward. Pussy – Now this is a matter of opinion. Some men prefer totally hair free; others would like a nicely trimmed but shaped patch of hair. A heart shape or his name are popular shapes to have. No hanging labia or week old fishy smell. Bum – Perfectly rounded and very grabbable. Looks awesome in jeans. The Goldilocks Arse, not too big, not too small, just right. Stomach – Flat, smooth, no stretch marks or scars, toned to perfection to enhance the tight dresses she wears all the time. Arms – Again, silken smooth, light golden tan, hairless, elegant translucent skinned hands. Nails long and shaped to perfection and polished, preferably red. Breasts – Ahhhh the perfection of the champagne glass.... Pert, full, upright with lightly coloured but perfect large nipples, made for the sucking pleasure of her man. Neck - Swanlike and elegant, inviting for her man to kiss Face – The perfection of the Greek statue. Skin like porcelain. A beauty so rare that all eyes are drawn to the sweetness of the smile, the turn of the nose, the swell of the cheek. Perfectly made up at all times. Teeth – Pearly white and shiny. No stench. Hair- Long and silken, honey blonde or night’s deepest black. Coffered, not a hair out of place. Done in seconds and never messed, even in the throes of passion. General Carriage Of the Body – It is as if she glides on air, a vision shimmering though the sweet light of the new morning. What I have... Feet – Well yes, I have them... they’re at the end of me legs. Got nails too, never see a nail file, let alone polish, bit of fungus happening, but under control I think. Scar on right foot from bone protruding through skin after horse stood on it. Fukked up ankle allows me to wear grannie brogues most of the time. Legs – Short, hairy at the moment, scars from slips with axes at different times, one knee carrying large lump of scar tissue from car accident. Calf muscles not bad. Pear shaped birthmark on inside right thigh. Both knees fukked from arthritis. Pussy - Kinda hair free, well ok, could use some maintenance, but not worth it at the moment as no action happening. No hanging bits thank god. Relatively in good shape considering the number of children that have made their way into the world via this portal. Got stitched up once, hopefully was tightened a bit. Had a shower before, so smell should only be of a day old fish. Bum- Not too bad I suppose, not big thank fukk. Could use a going over with one of those Tupperware orange peelers to get rid of the cellulite. Cute dimple on left hand side near hip is impact site from being hit by car. Arthritis in hip too. Stomach – Hmmmm... Barrel more like. Hope the children enjoyed their 9 and in one case 9 3/4 month rides. Stretch marks that I’m sure are actually maps for some lost sunken treasure. Arms – Hairy, my father’s arms. Strong forearm muscles (milkin’ muscles... COWS!... ya filthy minded fukkas) Hands wrinkly, hairy, some veins standing out, knuckles and three fingers riddled with arthritis. Breasts – Pendulant, like some South American fertility figure. Big, bigger than I thought apparently, or so says the lady who fitted me for a new bra. Good rival for a jersey cow when in full milk. Neck – like a rugby player... little fan shaped patch of hair in the middle that has always been there, one son and my daughter have the same thing... Genes are interesting things... Face – Only a mother could love... Sun damaged from too many years working in the sun. Cute nose that is well and truly in the gene pool, all direct descendants of mine have my nose. Teeth - ... like Bubba’s... Breath can knock out a black dog at 100 paces. Kamikaze dentists stalk me for the glory of their profession. Hair – Was once my crowning glory, dark auburn, shooting fire in the right light. Is now cunningly disguised, mostly with white. My best friend is my hair dresser. Takes great delight on looking nice when I don’t need it to... during oral sex for example, and looking like a bird had nested in a mad woman’s head for important occasions. General Carriage of the Body – Once I could walk upright, but now am developing a piratical limp, favouring my left side. Can no longer straighten knees properly, so am 1 ½ inches shorter than I should be. HOWEVER.... My mind still works properly... occasionally... well ok, so WHEN I can find where I left it, I SOMETIMES have a lucid thought... ooooo hang on... there’s one coming now, zzzzzzzz.... oh... sorry, that was a mozzie flying past... So if that’s me... then how do you stack up?? Viking.