F56
Sexual incompatibility
August 09 2014
Comments
-
RHP User
11 years ago
The only way to resolve it is negotiation. We're all different in our desires and no go zones but if you truly like like someone's personality and want to be with them, the sex part can be worked out through negotiation. Even if you list everything down, tick off what you both like and the rest can be negotiated. Think outside the square and be imaginative. A couple of examples: Rimming can only be done after a thorough shower together (creating a little more playful beforehand) Like to go down on him but not fond of that pre cum? Lather over him something you do love. Chocolate dipping sauce maybe (sweetened condensed milk works for me). You won't notice the difference and he might even enjoy the contrast of feeling something cool before your warm mouth.
-
MsSuperFoxy
11 years ago
I believe that would make matters worse, if nothing said. Having open honest communication allows room for compromise. That would leave room for more freedom to explore, more common sexual interests together. By not saying anything to me it removes my lovers and my choices. I think I would put those common interest sexual desires, into something that is worth while with my partner/lover. Foxy
-
RHP User
11 years ago
I think the key thing you said is "the other is completely against it." I'm quite happy to compromise (golden showers aren't my thing, though happy to pee on a partner if that excites him), but I would never do something I'm really not comfortable with and would not expect someone else to either. I've not really been in that situation, though I refused an ex anal as he was too large. We talked about it, but as it wasn't a must-have of his, it wasn't a big issue. If I wanted something my partner was totally against, I would not pursue it. If it turned out I really couldn't accept that though, it would probably tell me there were other things lacking in our relationship. (Should we be in a non-monogamous relationship I'd look to have that specific need met by someone else. I would always discuss it with my partner first, however.) If my partner craved something I could not provide, I'd hope to discuss it with him openly. I could accept some things (say him sleeping with men), but not others (creampie sex for example.) If he wanted something that I was completely against, I would put my foot down. It would then be for him to decide if our relationship was enough for him to give up his fantasy.
-
funsexyhappy
11 years ago
Always be honest and open to your partners. Be confident that you are both able to discuss issues without fear of being judged or ridiculed. What may start of as a small or insignificant issue can if not resolved, fester into an issue that can inevitably cause a rift in the relationship. When starting a new relationship, I let to my partners know that I enjoy more than just 1 on 1 and enjoy meeting and playing with others, but always with my partner involved. It's not for everyone and most do run for the hills. But I find it easier than trying to introduce them to it once the relationship is established. In a most recent relationship, she said was happy to do it and understood. But deep down she was not happy that I wanted other partners and that she wasn't enough for me. In the end it caused a lot of problems. If it's something that you simply cannot do then tell your partner otherwise try to find a compromise. But I strongly believe honesty is always the best policy.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Meander I have to look twice when you have that profile pic up. I keep thinking it's Tulips4u (I hope I got the name right)!
-
Tall74nHard9
11 years ago
You've probably left your discussions a bit late. This example is something you should have got to know about one another much earlier in the 'relationship', particularly if it might become a deal breaker later down the track. If you haven't had the 'talk' prior, and you're now stuck in this position, as others have alluded to, you really got to see how badly the lack of sharing may pain the relationship. There may be avenues for compromise, but if not, better to start making other plans. Tall
-
RHP User
11 years ago
My last relationship was exactly that, in the nutshell. I am the type that will do whatever it is that she needs to be satisfied and happy... (within reason, of course, but I am pretty open and adventurous). I'm into butts and she had the most wonderful full round butt I have ever seen... So I just wanted to play around and rim... (NO anal sex if she didn't want it... That's always the rule). But, she was VERY self conscious about her butt and the size of it and how it 'wobbled (she said), and wouldn't let me anywhere near it, through plain embarrassment or self consciousness. For over 12 months I tried to convince her that I LOVED it and it was absolutely magnificent and that I did feel frustrated seeing it there and showering with her and seeing her laying on top of the sheets on a hot night, and NOT being able to touch the bloody thing. It damn near drove me crazy. It destroyed the relationship because she never even tried to get used to my doing anything... Even when she knew how much it meant to me... It was so frustrating and ultimately proved useless to even hope she would try to help... So I had to say goodbye... I did it with a very heavy heart because she was a lovely person... to whom I was deeply attracted and had strong feelings for. But when something means so much, there is sometimes no solution... Sadly.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
WTF? You ended it with a woman who you were "deeply attracted and had strong feelings for" because she didn't like you touching her butt? Are you serious? Forgive me if I am not completely understanding what you are trying to say here but I am just baffled by your reasoning. You obviously didn't do a good enough job of easing her self-consciousness and now you've probably made it even worse by ending things with her over it, as she no doubt feels that being a "lovely person" just isn't enough for some people! Sheesh!
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'JerseyGirl' Meander I have to look twice when you have that profile pic up. I keep thinking it's Tulips4u (I hope I got the name right)! Thanks JerseyGirl
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_n_Hard' You've probably left your discussions a bit late. This example is something you should have got to know about one another much earlier in the 'relationship', particularly if it might become a deal breaker later down the track. If you haven't had the 'talk' prior, and you're now stuck in this position, as others have alluded to, you really got to see how badly the lack of sharing may pain the relationship. There may be avenues for compromise, but if not, better to start making other plans. Tall Not everyone is at a stage where they know what they want sexually in the piece. I grew sexually with my ex husband, I didn't know what I wanted or was available when we started seeing each other. I still don't and I have probably done a lot more than many people. I have dealt with people in their late 40's that have never even owned a vibrator. I think it is a bit sad if you think you have to enter a relationship with a prerequisite of sexual tasks before taking on a relationship.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
question please :D
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Which couple......? You and who? The sailors daughter? Johnny from number 27? A psychic chakrar meditative induced figment of yr over-active imagination? Which sexual desire? . You say "rimming, for example.."....So is this the example, or is it to do with whips n cuffs? Golden filthy showers? A quickie in the back seat of a holden??? - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
When you enter into a relationship it does not mean you are totally compatible with your partner or that you share all their desires, nor should you. We are individuals who seek like minded souls for love, companionship, friendship and physical intimacy. Whilst the desire to please or accommodate each other can mean one grows sexually, it does not mean debasing your own values or condemning another for not sharing them. Ultimately we are individuals, a culmination of our upbringing, environment and our own values. One should never be afraid of broadening ones experiences, but no, means no. Where that line is differs for each, but when you are pushed unwillingly across a line, one loses more than just your comfort zone, you lose the rock on which you build your life.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Compatibility, comfort zone and realization that there are just some places that are one step beyond where some want to go.
-
perthangler
11 years ago
In my case I don't think compromise can work regarding sexual desires because for me I need my partner to be enjoying herself and don't think I could have her doing things just because it was a compromise . Both scenarios, either one partner doing something their not keen on so not enjoying themselves or a partner after discussion deciding something is not for them and allowing there partner to go unfulfilled can only lead to resentments in a relationship . I think compromise and communication is important in a relationship but sexual compatibility has to mostly be there first That's how I see it from my experience anyway - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
When one person wants/likes something & the other is against it, how do you compromise? Yes you may be able to make the experience slightly less uncomfortable for them but at the end of the day if they don't like it, by them compromising they are stilling doing something they don't want to. Are you not then weighing up someone's pleasure against someone's discomfort? If the relationship has love involved then that can sway the person that is against something into giving it a try. Your question was regarding suppressed desires for which I do not have experience, but it does seem there are plenty of relationships that survive it & plenty that don't, it just depends on the individuals involved. The other side of the coin is how would you feel if you compromise? For me, I did it because of love & I wanted to give my husband what he wanted. I felt satisfaction in that I was able to provide something he wanted, but I also felt devalued (not to mention I did not enjoy the experience). I could understand that because of my love I wanted to do it for him, but I have never been able to understand that given he also loves me, how he was able to have me do it. That is possibly something harder for a relationship to cope with then coping with an unsatisfied desire.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Yes mate have to agree with Ya' on this one. I too am a "buttman", my Ex was the same, she went from size 8 to 16 & back, I always adored her bum regardless of size, not long before she moved out she asked for "anal play", saying I was the only one she could ever trust. Turns out she really enjoyed it, what a waste 30yrs of fun. I think she used to think it was "dirty" & yes was concious of size. I now only chase "curvy" ladies that are at home with their body & sexuality. I don't expect rimming in return, but if lady is comfortable with that, it's a bonus. P.L.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Great work, it sounds like you guys probably saved your marriage. One of the things I like about RHP is people put down their sexual desires & fetishes, that way it's all up front, saves going round in circles "walking on egg shells". Cheers to you both. P.L.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'JerseyGirl' WTF? You ended it with a woman who you were "deeply attracted and had strong feelings for" because she didn't like you touching her butt? Are you serious? Forgive me if I am not completely understanding what you are trying to say here but I am just baffled by your reasoning. You obviously didn't do a good enough job of easing her self-consciousness and now you've probably made it even worse by ending things with her over it, as she no doubt feels that being a "lovely person" just isn't enough for some people! Sheesh! I think you're missing MeAgain's point here, JerseyGirl. Her refusal to let him engage with her bum made it impossible for him to fully express himself intimately with her, or to ever be fully sexually satisfied. This is at the heart of a lot of relationship issues, and will compromise other aspects of the relationship and the overall sense of intimacy a couple has. MeAgain at least understood the core of the issue, which many people never do, but the core isn't the totality. Ultimately, that aspect of their sex life is indicative of a larger incompatibility of intimacy and trust, which I think is relevant to the OP's question. And to suggest that he "obviously didn't do a good enough job of easing her self-consciousness" is an extraordinary statement, given how little we know of her and their relationship. These things are a two-way street, and some people, no matter how much care and effort you put into it, are massively hung up about things. This is basic psychology, and ultimately all people are responsible for their own state of mind. A sensitive partner, and I have no doubt MeAgain is that, based on his posts, has to put in time and effort and understanding to ease their partner's concerns, but final responsibility for breaking through those barriers rests with the person who has them. Not their partner.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' Quoting 'JerseyGirl' WTF? You ended it with a woman who you were "deeply attracted and had strong feelings for" because she didn't like you touching her butt? I think you're missing MeAgain's point here, JerseyGirl. Her refusal to let him engage with her bum made it impossible for him to fully express himself intimately with her, or to ever be fully sexually satisfied. I think that Meagain's frustration about his wife not wanting him to touch her butt wasn't the problem, it was merely the symptom of bigger intimacy and trust issues between them.
-
Tall74nHard9
11 years ago
I understand what you're saying with regards to my posting, but my comments were made with the OP's question in mind, and her specific remark of " with a good, active, generally happy sex life", which I read as being a couple who have been with one another for a reasonable period of time and had the opportunity to get to know one another's (sexual) likes. Sure, as you stated, at the beginning you are both going to learn a lot about the other, and hopefully keep on learning as you stay together. I wasn't insinuating that you have got to know everything about the other from the get-go, but was again referring to the specific example given. In such a situation you would think you would have covered a fair few of your likes and dislikes by that stage in a relationship. Tall
-
Lovinit28andKC72
11 years ago
That's any relationship/friendship/partnership, it's all about being open, honest, communication and compromise.....💋 good on you cuckle shells, you guys seem to have worked it out and as long as it's working for you's that's all that really matters....💋
-
RHP User
11 years ago
On reflection I agree with Meander that it's symptomatic of a larger issue. I was giving it too much weight by saying it's the core issue. - Posted from rhpmobile
-
RHP User
11 years ago
What a great post :)
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Tall_n_Hard' I understand what you're saying with regards to my posting, but my comments were made with the OP's question in mind, and her specific remark of " with a good, active, generally happy sex life", which I read as being a couple who have been with one another for a reasonable period of time and had the opportunity to get to know one another's (sexual) likes. Sure, as you stated, at the beginning you are both going to learn a lot about the other, and hopefully keep on learning as you stay together. I wasn't insinuating that you have got to know everything about the other from the get-go, but was again referring to the specific example given. In such a situation you would think you would have covered a fair few of your likes and dislikes by that stage in a relationship. Tall As Cuckle_Shells posted, sometimes people don't know what they like until they're older, more experienced or have grown as a person in some way. Relationships change and evolve so it's reasonable to assume communication, likes, dislikes etc will evolve and grow too.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Rick_Blaine' I think you're missing MeAgain's point here, JerseyGirl. Her refusal to let him engage with her bum made it impossible for him to fully express himself intimately with her, or to ever be fully sexually satisfied. This is at the heart of a lot of relationship issues, and will compromise other aspects of the relationship and the overall sense of intimacy a couple has. I agree that one significant, unfulfilled sexual desire can create distance in a relationship, which then compromises intimacy. I think it absolutely can be the cause of the problems, rather than a symptom of other problems. My husband didn't like to kiss. Ever. So we never kissed. Even when we had a healthy sex life (which admittedly was short lived) we didn't kiss. That was the start of me feeling unfulfilled and the slow death of our marriage.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'Burning_Love'I agree that one significant, unfulfilled sexual desire can create distance in a relationship, which then compromises intimacy. I think it absolutely can be the cause of the problems, rather than a symptom of other problems. My husband didn't like to kiss. Ever. So we never kissed. Even when we had a healthy sex life (which admittedly was short lived) we didn't kiss. That was the start of me feeling unfulfilled and the slow death of our marriage. Not liking to kiss would be a definite deal-breaker. Kissing is the basis of it all.
-
RHP User
11 years ago
Someone who refused to kiss wouldn't make it to a second date. ;-)
Boards
-
Hot Topics
Topics: 15103 Comments: 88156
-
Girls Ask
Topics: 1416 Comments: 10236
-
Guys Ask
Topics: 2520 Comments: 11680
-
Couples' Corner
Topics: 2504 Comments: 9756
-
Swingers Lifestyle
Topics: 1002 Comments: 5157
-
Fetish & Fantasy
Topics: 1302 Comments: 5779
-
Hot Travel
Topics: 781 Comments: 1992
-
LGBT
Topics: 170 Comments: 868
Forum help
-
Something related with that
-
Going somewhere & want to hook up?
-
Hasn't that topic been posted before?
RHP's popular dating tool
-
Where the heck did that topic go?
Discover what RHP is doing offline
-
RHP member's RL secrets
reply
like
Share