M46

Hurt

December 10 2009

It has been 3 years now since I moved to Australia, but I often wonder if my sacrafice was too much, it all started when i was in South Africa my family had immegrated to Oz and I was unable to go with due to Visa problems I was 22 at the time so I thought well I will just have to go an try make a life for myself here in South Africa, it did not take long and i met this young sweet girl she was 17 at the time, she was the begining of a whole new roller coaster ride, we got on so well that with in a year we got engaged, then at the end of that year we had a christmas function on at my Aunts house, this got of to a really good start however I was not allowed to drink as i was on Standby for work, my girl go totally waisted which was fine as i was able to look after her, later in the night every one decided they wanted to go for a late night swim, so they all went and changed, but when my girl came back she was stumbling and falling all over the place, it was at this point that I decided it was time to go home, so i took my girl and put her in my company ute, i then said to her that I was going to go say goodbye to the friends and family, but she began to cry and she begged and pleaded for me not to leave her but I insisted that I should go say bye, as I left the car I walked passed my cousin and he said he heard her crying and asked if she was ok, i replied she is fine just really drunk so he said to me you go say bye and ill wtch her for you, so i agreed. Well I was saying goodbye to one of the friends I heard the horn go off but ignored it, then it went off again so the friend I was talking to said maybe you should go check on her, so i did so as i walked upto the ute I saw my cousin ontop of her busy fucking her, this drove me crazy, I ripped him from her and hit him he then jumped up and ran away, as I turned to look at her in the e I noticed that she was unconciouse, then it dawned on me that she had just been rapped, this was very hard for me so i shook her and shouted at her till she kinda woke, I was so angry that I continued to shout at her and she just started crying and kept asking me why am I shouting at her and what did she do. Anyway after this all happend I took her to the hospital as we were going to file rape charges the doctor gave her medication and all to prevent infections and pregnancy and my cousin was arrested, anyway after a few weeks we discoverd she was pregnant and were very excited, although i often wonderd if it was his child, but then whenshe reached her 4th month she began to bleed so I took her to hospital again an they did an ultra sound on her the doctor was quiet suprised when he discoverd that the baby had died awhile back and had barely developed he then came back to us and informed us that she must have been pregnant before she was rapped and the medication she was given killed the baby, this was a tragic day for both of us my girl cried i with such pain that my heart broke into a million piecust see this happening to her it was this day that I fell more inlove with her than I could have evre loved anyone or anything. After two years we had good news again, she was pregnant and all was going good, however I had been trying to arrange for us to move to Aus as South Africa was was becomming more and more difficult to live my family here had been trying to help get me into Aus first that I could get us set up and then bring my girl over to join me, but once I had found out that my girl was pregnant I told my mum that I did no longer want to come on my own and that we need to find away to get us both into the country, my mum did not like this and herds to me were " you telling me I spent all this money and cried all these tears for nothing " this made me feel guilty so I said lets continue to organize that visa it did not take long and soon i had a Visa to move to Aus the problem with this thoug was the visa had an expiry date in which I had to arrive in Aus so I had to leave when my girl was 9 months Pregnant or the visa would be cancelled, i remember going to the airport a sitting there waiting for my flight, when it was announced that my flight was now boarding, I looked at my girl and she burst into tears, I could see that once again she was heart broken, i could not help it and burst into tears myself, it was at this stage that I kissed her and turned and walked away forcing myself not to look back, it hurt so much but I knew that if I did not go then i would never go. I got to Aus and got melf set up and all, my son was born in September i poned my girl everyday for about a month then when Ialmost had things ready for her to come to Aus I called her and could hear in her voice that somthing was wrong, i pleaded with her to tell me but she would not say, after about 5 min of hanging up I got a txt saying go on with your life I have met someone alse, as you can iine my life crumbled all around me, I spent day and night crying over the loss of her and my son, many a night I would go to the top of a hill where I was all alone and just spend hours crying and asking why this has happend to me, it has now been three years and I made contact with her parents again and her mum said somthing to me which shocked me her words were " Maritjie's father and I were talking and we said the otherday things are getting really bad here in South Africa maybe we should have let Maritjie go to Aus " I always suspected her mum had a roll in us splitting but never had proof till this day. I have since gotten married and am expecting another child soon, but I often find myself thinking of my past and my x girl and know that I still love her very much, I plan to travel to South Africa next year to see my son for the first time he is now three and to tell you the trueth Im very scared

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RHP User

16 years ago

What a sad story you have to tell. You even had me welling up with tears. I can see where your'e coming from and see why you are scared. You made a life for yourself here so obviously' your obligations should be to your wife and soon to be born child. Yes' I can understand your feelings for your girl in Sth Africa and the possibilities of the mother playing a part in the reason she told you she meet someone else. When you return to SA to see your son' it will undoubtably have a overwhelming effect on you' your ex and your son. I think you have to take a step back from everything and weigh up what you really want before you fly off to SA with a belly full of doubt ' otherwise you could be heading for even more heartache than you have at the moment. You are walking on eggshells ... make a firm decision before you lose everything. I wish you all the luck in the world. Cheers

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RHP User

16 years ago

That is one sad story!!! u always seem to wonder wat it wud be like with an ex if things had of been different especially wen u clearly did not fall out of love I suppose my advise wud be to go over there and see wat happens who knows u may both be two totally different ppl now but u may not..

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RHP User

16 years ago

I have been afraid of the day that I go back and see my x and my son now for quite some time, I called her family the other day and spoke with her father to see how my son is doing and if he needs anything, her father then said to me hold on I want you to talk to someone and he put my x on the line neither her nor I knew who was on the otof the line till we heard each others voice, my hear nearly burst and I tried to talk to her but I was so stunned by her voice I stuggled to get anywords out as so did she, after a few days her sister in law called me and told me she heard that we had spoken to each other after 2 and a half years and she told me that after I had hung n my x she apparently burst into tears, I so wish I could rewind time and do it all again, i know for a fact that I would NEVER have left her, this is a pain Ill always carry and tears that I cry have to be cried in secrete so as not to hurt the family I have built here. I have been told by alot of people that I need to go and see a specialist about what has happendand many a night I think I should too, but even just sitting here writting what has happend hurts alot and brings tears to my eyes, i really just dont want to seem weak to my wife and crumble making there lives hard too. This is the first time I have ever written or spoken about this and I really do appreciate the support

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RHP User

16 years ago

I like to hear other ppls life stories but yeh sounds like she may still be in love with u..i dont know wat to say if u u hav another child coming to? ( p.s why r u on rhp if u r married? ;p )..u cud see a counselor that wud be a good step its always a good thing to talk to someone about it who knows how to guide u in the right direction..

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RHP User

16 years ago

did I say I was married lol just kidding I joined rhp before I met my wife and have met some really awsum people on here, so i guess its also nice to speak to people who are open minded. :-)

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RHP User

16 years ago

Go see a counsellor and for fucks sake...........tell your wife what is going on. Do you want to hurt another woman who has given you her heart and soul and set up a new life for you?

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RHP User

16 years ago

Tough situation man..very tough. Your best bet would be to sit down with your missus and talk to her about. Obviously you don't want her going through what you and your ex have gone through. I also suggest see a counceller and involve your missus etc

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RHP User

16 years ago

Thats a lot of stuff you've held inside you. I agree with everyone else...issues that need to be addressed with some counselling. However I kinda get why it's all coming up for you now... When a new baby is on it's way, we tend to evaluate who we are because we are about to become parents.....we ask ourselves....will I make a good parent? will I be able to provide everything my baby needs? keep my baby safe? love my baby? will I be involved enough in my baby's life?...hmmm, questions questions...never ending actually...and in your case, you are perhaps asking them for a second time without the benefit of knowing the answer first time around. ....and then as a couple talks more about the baby and becoming parents "stuff" sometimes comes up that can't be suppressed any more. We can't mend the past but we can learn from it. Proper counselling that can guide you to acceptance and give you strategies to deal with "stuff" will help enormously. "Scared" turns into strength after a while. Gotta see it to deal with it...bit like your post really...you seeing your words back at you but also sharing them for the first time.Curious... does your wife know the detail of your post? Stay tight with your wife and your new baby...they are your future and will stand by you and hold you when you need them too. Include them. They need you. Just my thoughts for you to ponder or delete Good luck. xx

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RHP User

16 years ago

if u have these regretful thoughts you need to do something about it otherwise you will end up resenting your new life and family. its not fair on anyone involved. life is tough man, we all have issues and problems but the best thing we can do is be open honest and respectful.it must be tough to have left your love but you did make that decision, its your choice where you go from here but i find honesty is always best and more often than not it will work out for the best.dont be scared, you are going to meet your son it should be a wonderful occasion. as they say 'whatever will be, will be'good luck hun, you obviously have a heart and im sure you will come away from this a stronger person with more understanding and maybe a larger family to love. that cant be sooo badxxxxxxmrs charly

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RHP User

16 years ago

On earth would you write such deeply personal things in such a public forum?

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RHP User

16 years ago

Im not sure why really, its just I have never spoken of it before and it has been bothering me for quite some time, I guess the main reason I have started to talk about it is cause I want to know, what ordinary people would say about my situation, such as was it my fault this all happend? was it her fault? did I deserve it or not was? it the right thing to do or not? etc I know most people have said go see a specialist but and maybe I should but I just feel that they will not be honest with me and tell me you fucked up if I did, cause there job is to make me feel better no matter what they do, want to walk out there thinking I was the good guy and she the bad I want to hear how do I make right what I did wrong if what I did have other people made the same mistake and did they find peace with it and how? So basically the questions are. Was moving to Oz the right thing to do considering I wanted to creat a better life for us ? should I be angry after 4 years and finally finding out her mum may have been the cause of the separation ? how do I face her again someday knowing I may love her still as much as I did when we were together? how do I prevent anyone from getting hurt from my actions ? I have a whole lot of even deeper questions I wish I could have answerd but at the end of the day i dont think anything could repair the damage that has already been done, my life is with my new family but this does not mean my ex doesnt have a huge part of my heart and this is the part that worries me, I was lead to believe that she did not want me no longer so tried to start a new life, but the trueth turned out to be that she was pressured by her family well I was away into trying to move on cause they did not want her to move to far from them. My wife knows most of what has happend to me, what she doesnt know is the trueth of why we parted and this is somthing I dont think I should share with her cause she would become very worried, and as i said I too have only recently found out the trueth, and yes I have told her that I will always have a place in my heart for my ex but have not told her how bigger place this really is. Fucked up??? I totally agree all I wanted before this all happend was to be with my ex in a country where it is safe and where my son would have had a fair chance in life.

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Hurt

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