M62
A Conundrum
May 18 2011
Comments
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RHP User
15 years ago
She wanted to be sure in her mind how she felt about you? Or making comparisons - hard to say.
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RHP User
15 years ago
So... errr... she had the painters in and like a lot of women, that makes them feel horny.. and mate, I have to tell you that you're a convenient and comfortable shag when it comes down to business with her... not a slight on your prowess... I mean you're familiar to her so she knows what to expect and knows you'll deliver.You're going to get all screwed up over this situation. It's messy. I'm pretty familiar with depression and what you have to realise is that she could at any moment turn on you like a ballerina in a jewellery box. If you can deal with that, then proceed.HugsStalky
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RHP User
15 years ago
I can't offer much on the rest of your story but I think the reason she came over to fuck was because she was super horny and she knows how you fuck and you're a "safe" option and whoever else she's been boffing wasn't available at that time. She probably realised on getting into the car to drive home that it was not a good idea and told herself she won't do that again.Sucks to be in your situation but don't try and read anymore into it. It would appear she's happy to take advantage of being friends with you. I think her actions have shown she's not interested in anything else.Women, like men, sometimes do stupid things when the red lust flag is waving around in front of them.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'stalky' You're going to get all screwed up over this situation. It's messy. I'm pretty familiar with depression and what you have to realise is that she could at any moment turn on you like a ballerina in a jewellery box. If you can deal with that, then proceed.HugsStalky Yep, she does turn - exactly like that..I've seen it many times in the past. No, I can't deal with that, you're quite right and are really just comfirming how I've been feeling about it anyway. Thanks
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Polar_Bear_Girl' I can't offer much on the rest of your story but I think the reason she came over to fuck was because she was super horny and she knows how you fuck and you're a "safe" option and whoever else she's been boffing wasn't available at that time. She probably realised on getting into the car to drive home that it was not a good idea and told herself she won't do that again.Sucks to be in your situation but don't try and read anymore into it. It would appear she's happy to take advantage of being friends with you. I think her actions have shown she's not interested in anything else.Women, like men, sometimes do stupid things when the red lust flag is waving around in front of them. No, I'm sure she's not really interested in more and I'm not looking for more either...I was just confused as to her actions re the overall situation. I think I agree with you, and stalky about me being the safe option, I hadn't really thought of it in those terms..Thanksxx
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RHP User
15 years ago
I have to say Andraxx, you are enjoyably articulate and it's a pleasure to read your posts....you enable me to empathise :) . Building on the Stalky and PBG's posts, perhaps, look at the situation a different way? You are keen for a mutually exclusive relationship which is familiar to you...your ex is looking for friends with benefits arrangement, but is holding back on the benefits (who knows what for unless she is having an attack of the guilts!) You both need to work out what type of relationship you are going to have, if at all. The fact that her children no longer live with her says to me that she is struggling with her mental health. BUT you are not responsible for her mental health. . Quite honestly, I think she is using your postive nature to make herself feel good. I don't know that she is doing this deliberately. I wonder though Andraxx, do you feel good and happy in her company ? Or was that a thing of the past? (rhetorical questions :) Some people can really drain the soul out of us, and all we have done is listened. . Good luck :)
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RHP User
15 years ago
Hi Andraxx, . Sorry to hear about your rough time...sometimes I wish the roller coaster ride would end. . I wonder if she is trying to move on from your relationship but has residual feelings. When she is lonely or simply alone her mind wanders back to your time together. She remembers the closeness you shared, how secure you made her fel and the love and warmth between you. At these times it can be hard to resist texting. . As to why she wanted to fuck rather than chat about her feelings ? That's possibly because she's confused and wants you but also is trying to emotionally detach. She therefore tried the "just fucking" option. . I'm unsure what her peiod had to do with sex being unsuccessful but that's besides the point. . I predict she will contact again as her feelings will continue to go up and down REGARDLESS of being with another guy. . Yes, she may have regrets and yes she may still want to be with you BUT she may also be truly trying to move on. It's confusing and her actions reflect that. I don't think she's intentionally playing with you, just putting her own emotional journey ahead of yours. . Hugs, Saturn
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Morticiaaa' I have to say Andraxx, you are enjoyably articulate and it's a pleasure to read your posts....you enable me to empathise :) . Building on the Stalky and PBG's posts, perhaps, look at the situation a different way? You are keen for a mutually exclusive relationship which is familiar to you...your ex is looking for friends with benefits arrangement, but is holding back on the benefits (who knows what for unless she is having an attack of the guilts!) You both need to work out what type of relationship you are going to have, if at all. The fact that her children no longer live with her says to me that she is struggling with her mental health. BUT you are not responsible for her mental health. . Quite honestly, I think she is using your postive nature to make herself feel good. I don't know that she is doing this deliberately. I wonder though Andraxx, do you feel good and happy in her company ? Or was that a thing of the past? (rhetorical questions :) Some people can really drain the soul out of us, and all we have done is listened. . Good luck :) Hi Morticiaaaok, thanks for your thoughts..I'd actually be ok with a friends with benifits arrangement and had assumed that was what it was all about. The thing is, she's with another guy....and I couldn't understand why she would contact me out of the blue and open this all back up, when she has someone else...She is srtruggling with her mental health and you're right, that's not my responsibility....it's just hard not to feel a contection and obligation to someone that I was so close with.."Do I feel good in her company?" - Good question and yes I do...the thing is - she's like two people..there's the one that is fantastic and upbeat with smile and heart of gold and is the girl I fell in love with - that person is really irresistable to me. The other person though is quite different and almost the complete opposite and incredibly difficult to get on with...I don't miss her at all. As Stalky said - "it messy"Thanks for the luck - sucks to be me sometimes LOL
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Miss_Saturn' Hi Andraxx, . Sorry to hear about your rough time...sometimes I wish the roller coaster ride would end. . I wonder if she is trying to move on from your relationship but has residual feelings. When she is lonely or simply alone her mind wanders back to your time together. She remembers the closeness you shared, how secure you made her fel and the love and warmth between you. At these times it can be hard to resist texting. . As to why she wanted to fuck rather than chat about her feelings ? That's possibly because she's confused and wants you but also is trying to emotionally detach. She therefore tried the "just fucking" option. . I'm unsure what her peiod had to do with sex being unsuccessful but that's besides the point. . I predict she will contact again as her feelings will continue to go up and down REGARDLESS of being with another guy. . Yes, she may have regrets and yes she may still want to be with you BUT she may also be truly trying to move on. It's confusing and her actions reflect that. I don't think she's intentionally playing with you, just putting her own emotional journey ahead of yours. . Hugs, Saturn Period - it just ended up a bit messy and she was uncomforable about it :-)Thanks for your take on the whole thing, I think it might be a ride I want to hop off from..."Oh! what a tangled web we weave. When first we practise to deceive!"xx
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Charles_Dickens' matey, i feel for you. my advice if i was in your shoes, just enjoy the sex sessions with her and dont get emotionally attached... the last thing i think you need in your life is another relationship, i think you just need to get out of that idea and have some fun, go out on as many dates as you can....your've toed up your life with 2 women it seems....i think it;s time for you to me an 18 year old horny man... do it now while your single again....and maybe in 10 years time when you have another permanent woman in your life, you may look back and be glad that you partied a bit.... please also snd me a private message....so i can tell you more... Cheers xoox Yeah, well I agree about not getting emotionally attached and have no intention of doing that - that's a dead end road.I also agree that I need to get out and have some fun and am absolutely going to be doing that - but I think I'll pass on the 18 yo horny man bit LOL. Now an 18yo horney woman is something I'd be happy to try out ;-)
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N4November
15 years ago
Only tonight I asked a special friend if he had ever hooked up with an ex - him yes - me NEVER!!.Seriously, if it hurts, don't do it to yourself! Please!.Set your boundaries. Only you can control you. .Don't let her infiltrate and dominate your professional space by using your office and effectively you..She's sent her children away. She's used and cheated on you. Do you find those attractive qualities in a woman? Ask yourself, would you really want a woman like that back?.Tell her (or write to her) how you feel and clearly define the parameters of your post-split relationship. .Be strong and true to yourself. Don't give in..You'll like yourself better when you have to look at yourself in the mirror the following morning. .Get counselling. .Don't allow toxic people into your life and be kind (and gentle) with yourself.Good luck :)
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RHP User
15 years ago
Hi baygirl - it's the first time I've ever done it myself and it's always been a rule for me in the past as well. As for it hurting...it does because I feel a bit used and betrayed to be honest, but I'm a big boy and have seen and done much. I'll be fine and will get through it all, it just takes time. I've more been in a bit of shock and confusion as to her actions and the reasons behind them. They are very alien to the way I do things and I'd have never done this to her, so I find myself in a position that I've never been in before and am trying to learn from it and move on..Thanks for your comments though..I do need to take contol of this situation back and no, I don't find those qualities attractive in a woman....quite the opposite, which is why we do need to be apart. I have no intention in getting back together with her either. I guess I was looking for some safe easy fun myself and I had thought that she wanted the same...it's turned into a much more complicated mess :-) Live and learn though - I'm not dead yet, so it could be worse LOL
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Miss_Saturn' I wonder if she is trying to move on from your relationship but has residual feelings. When she is lonely or simply alone her mind wanders back to your time together. She remembers the closeness you shared, how secure you made her fel and the love and warmth between you. At these times it can be hard to resist texting. I would write my thoughts on the subject, but I think Miss Saturn has captured them perfectly in word. She sees you as a safe place to regain her confidence about herself. She does not necessarily mean to, but she is using you to remind herself that she is lovable (ok, this is not what Miss Saturn said...I am using her point to build on...I hope that is ok). I think it is unfair to you, and for that I sympathize. You ask for no judgement, and I respect that. I have experienced a similar thing, although at the distance, it was limited to phone calls and texts. So I understand your confusion. I suggest this: if you had moved on, keep moving...if you haven't, talk to her, and figure it out. The reality is that you will likely end on on the short end of what ever is happening..it is not your fault. That she sought you for this kind of comfort is a compliment to you as a person, but it is nothing you can put any faith in...Do you know what I mean? I am sorry, man...
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RHP User
15 years ago
I do agree with most of what has been said here, but while it'd be great for you to meet an 18yo horny woman, going the creepy-ass sugar daddy route to get there, not so much. ick.xx Sarah
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'curiousnewgirl78' I do agree with most of what has been said here, but while it'd be great for you to meet an 18yo horny woman, going the creepy-ass sugar daddy route to get there, not so much. ick.xx Sarah LOL, no - I totally agree and was just joking..that's definately not my thing. I'm not interested in 18yo's, I prefer an intelligent woman with life experience who I can relate to, 35+yo...much sexier and more fun.Andrewxx
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'Sidd72' Quoting 'Miss_Saturn' I wonder if she is trying to move on from your relationship but has residual feelings. When she is lonely or simply alone her mind wanders back to your time together. She remembers the closeness you shared, how secure you made her fel and the love and warmth between you. At these times it can be hard to resist texting. I would write my thoughts on the subject, but I think Miss Saturn has captured them perfectly in word. She sees you as a safe place to regain her confidence about herself. She does not necessarily mean to, but she is using you to remind herself that she is lovable (ok, this is not what Miss Saturn said...I am using her point to build on...I hope that is ok). I think it is unfair to you, and for that I sympathize. You ask for no judgement, and I respect that. I have experienced a similar thing, although at the distance, it was limited to phone calls and texts. So I understand your confusion. I suggest this: if you had moved on, keep moving...if you haven't, talk to her, and figure it out. The reality is that you will likely end on on the short end of what ever is happening..it is not your fault. That she sought you for this kind of comfort is a compliment to you as a person, but it is nothing you can put any faith in...Do you know what I mean? I am sorry, man... Yeah, I know you're right and no matter what her motivations, at the end of the day it just ends badly for me. I never go back to an ex and have broken my own rule here - so it serves me right. Doesn'ty make it any easier though :-( Still, life goes on and there's plenty more fun to be had from life yet :-) Thanks for your thoughts on the whole thing.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Maybe it was the familiar comfort factor that made her want to try one more time. Maybe it was a comparison of old and new. Personally it sounds as if she is yanking your chain a little. She knew that she had her period. We all know when we have finished and when we have not. Should have put her arse on a towel and finished the job anyway. It sounds as if she was leading you on. Teasing. She wants to have you on a string, to have her cake and eat it too. This is why she wants to go out to dinner, sees you all the time but is too busy to catch up for sex. She knows exactly what she is putting you through. No woman is that naive. The depression is a little tricky though. This may be a sign that the medication needs adjusting. When having a depressive episode, things tend to be a little surreal and it is not until you have gone off the deepend, then had your meds adjusted you realise what you did and said. It is like living and moving in a permanent grey fog. Yes it is nice to stay all cosy and friendly, especially as there are kids involved. These things are always harder on the kids than the adults as they just do not have the maturity to understand why.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Yeah, you're probaly right - I should have stuck a towel down and just finished the job LOL. To be honest I was having my own crisis as it was all so sudden and hot and heavy and in some ways it was a good excuse to slow things down and revisit in a couple of days (or so I thought)I actually don't think she was leading me on in the sense of coming and knowing that we wouldn't finish because of her period...although I do see where you're coming from. It all seems a little more complex than that and is probably a mixture of a few things that have been mentioned previously. Either way....not a great situation and she's not being fair and is no doubt aware of that at least on some level -as you mention.Thanks :-)xx
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RHP User
15 years ago
You are gorgeous, thoughtful and insightful (and with a really cute lopsided grin). One day she will be over the depression and seriously wonder why she let you go. It is her loss! Find a play friend to have serious fun with.
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RHP User
15 years ago
You mentioned that she was seeing someone before she started texting and turning up on your doorstep. She knew she had her period and could use that as a possible excuse not to continue the sexual encounter. She is still seeing friends and coming to your office as a friend only. And she is making excuses not to have sex with you again. I am sorry but I think you are being used to make the other guy jealous. She is comfortable with you and knows you well enough after 6 years together to know that your reaction to her would be friendly. Why else come to you out of nowhere if she is happy with her current guy?I know that depression can cause a person to seek solace in familiar things (better the devil we know etc) but if this was so she would have finished what she started or tried to rekindle the relationship. Instead she seems to be keeping you at arms length. The low self esteem some depressives suffer from stops them having the confidence to speak up about their own needs so they use other methods instead. If she felt vulnerable she may have done her "act" with you rather than telling her new guy how she felt or maybe she was unable to find a way to get through to him. If this is the case (and I hope it isn't) then you are in for a rocky time if you follow her down that road. Sometimes we have to cut loose to keep our own sanity rather than get caught up with other's emotional dramas. I speak from experience having suffered depression since being diagnosed at 13 (and no I don't take meds anymore).Whatever the reason for the current turn of events I hope it ends happily for all of you.
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'fionabee' You are gorgeous, thoughtful and insightful (and with a really cute lopsided grin). One day she will be over the depression and seriously wonder why she let you go. It is her loss! Find a play friend to have serious fun with. Yes, couldn't agree more (about find a play friend) and definately looking for some fun again.....
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'MistressT' You mentioned that she was seeing someone before she started texting and turning up on your doorstep. She knew she had her period and could use that as a possible excuse not to continue the sexual encounter. She is still seeing friends and coming to your office as a friend only. And she is making excuses not to have sex with you again. I am sorry but I think you are being used to make the other guy jealous. She is comfortable with you and knows you well enough after 6 years together to know that your reaction to her would be friendly. Why else come to you out of nowhere if she is happy with her current guy?I know that depression can cause a person to seek solace in familiar things (better the devil we know etc) but if this was so she would have finished what she started or tried to rekindle the relationship. Instead she seems to be keeping you at arms length. The low self esteem some depressives suffer from stops them having the confidence to speak up about their own needs so they use other methods instead. If she felt vulnerable she may have done her "act" with you rather than telling her new guy how she felt or maybe she was unable to find a way to get through to him. If this is the case (and I hope it isn't) then you are in for a rocky time if you follow her down that road. Sometimes we have to cut loose to keep our own sanity rather than get caught up with other's emotional dramas. I speak from experience having suffered depression since being diagnosed at 13 (and no I don't take meds anymore).Whatever the reason for the current turn of events I hope it ends happily for all of you. I hadn't considered that as a possibility to be honest. She's only been in the relationship for a month before she came to me and I was asuming that would have been hot and heavy as with most new relationships (as painful as it is to admit that). It's possible though and not fun to think about if that's the case.Either way...like most posters, I don't really see continuing anything with her, in it's current format, as anything but bad news for me at the end of the day. I had also just got past all the breakup shit and was, and am, enjoying being single again. This has just stirred the pop up and it's always a pain when that happens :-)Thanks for taking the time xx
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RHP User
15 years ago
I've had a very weird few weeks and thanks to this forum group have been able to look at things in different ways which has really helped me sort a few things out and make some decisions. I just wanted to say "a big thanks" to all who participated and gave me their opinions...it's really been appreciated and very insightful.Andrew
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RHP User
15 years ago
Sounds like this woman is emotionally constipated and was seeing someone before leaving you.You may be the guilt fuck or the familiar fuck that makes her feel safe. Either way she needs help,stop the sex and encourage her to get help,and she may end up coming back to you in a better state of mind
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RHP User
15 years ago
Quoting 'reddy2roll' Sounds like this woman is emotionally constipated and was seeing someone before leaving you.You may be the guilt fuck or the familiar fuck that makes her feel safe. Either way she needs help,stop the sex and encourage her to get help,and she may end up coming back to you in a better state of mind she wasn't seeing this guy until the end of March, but I can't be totally sure she wasn't seeing someone else of course. I do agree with the rest of your comments though (and I don't want her back now anyway) - thanks :-)
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